Self Worth

Hello out there,

I know I’m not the only person here who struggles with determining if they have value. Sure, a job will pay you for your work, and maybe that makes you feel as if you’re worth something.

I haven’t had a “normal” job for a long time. I’ve been hiding away in my parents’ house, making YouTube videos and streaming on Twitch.

I have some pretty big anxiety and depression issues that keep me from working. With COVID on top of that, I’ve been almost completely shut in for more than a year.

I’m used to being in the house and actually find it very comfortable. It’s given me the time to double down on writing. I even started a web series. It’s called Walker’s Path, which I’ve been getting a lot of good feedback on.

The reason I brought all of this up is because I recently set up a Patreon account. I posted about it a few weeks ago. Today someone decided I was worth something and became a Patron.

Patreon, if you don’t know, is a way for people to pledge to pay you money monthly. It’s a very direct way for someone to say that what you’re doing is worth something.

I put up the account on my pages not expecting anyone to ever use it. I can’t express in words just how good it makes me feel.

Thank you so much, Patron. I’ll keep writing and hopefully keep you entertained.
Katherine

A few Announcements

Hello out there,

I hope you’re having a great hump day! I know mine has been pretty good so far.

The first announcement is I opened up a Patreon account. I’ve never asked people for money and I’m not going to start today. I have, however, always left the door open for people who want to help support my creative endeavors. Patreon is just another tool in which others— if they so wish— can help support me. You can find a link to my Patreon on the top of the blog. Or the link is right here.

The second announcement is something that’s been brewing since last year. I’m a part of a group that stemmed from Reddit. It’s all about writing. This is separate from the real-life one I’ve talked about previously. They have a discord and for the last two or so years, I’ve been with them. They’ve helped me a lot. I suggested last year that we should make a podcast. Well, they actually made one. It’s called “Write it Forward.”

There are a couple of episodes without me in it because I was being shy. My twitch streamer instincts kicked in and I decided to join in on the fun. We’ve recorded a couple of episodes so far which are being edited right now.

Even though I’m not in the first two they are still a good listen, so I say take a look!

Talk to you soon,
Katherine

PS: Got a message saying that the newest podcast episode should come out today.

Walker’s Path. The first chapter.

Hello out there,

(Skip my BS and read the chapter.)

I hope your having a wonderful Tuesday morning. I know I am.

As the title suggests I’ve released the first chapter of “Walker’s Path”.

Walker’s Path is a mid 1990’s period piece about an intersex teen figuring out his path in life. He thinks of himself as male but his body is going female.

The story begins with Walker hanging on for dear life on a window ledge. He got lucky. His girlfriend invited him over for the night. Little does he know that he was actually invited to a slumber party with a bunch of girls.

As you can see this setup leaves the story open to shenanigans. (I promise to never use the word again.)

I hope you enjoy this first chapter and hope to hear some feedback from everyone.

Obligatory link to the first chapter for all the cool people who made it down here.

Best wishes,
Katheirne

A Marvel-ous New Year.

Hello out there,

I hope the new year is treating you well. It’s been especially good when it comes to TV series! What are you talking about Katherine? I’m talking about WandaVision.

I’m in love with this show. Marvel has something really great going on and I wanted to share it with you.

I’ll try to keep this as spoiler free as possible but if I do happen to discuss something that might spoil the show in some way, I’ll give a warning.

The show starts off in black and white. Everything is very light hearted. The first episode is very entertaining but there’s an underlying tone to the show that tells you something isn’t right.

If you’re caught up with the marvel movies you know Wanda as ‘Wanda Maximoff” a really powerful Avenger. Until now we didn’t know much about her character other than that she is in love with Vision.

Vision, on the other hand, is a synthezoid (Synthetic Humanoid.) who is powered by the Mind Stone. The mind stone is one of the 6 Infinity Stones. They are extremely powerful and were created by Cosmic Entities. Vision died in Avengers Infinity War when Thanos took the stone from his head.

The most confusing thing about this story is the question: Why is Vision alive? The mind stone is gone. Captain America took the stone back to its rightful place in time and the one that was in Wanda’s timeline was destroyed by Thanos.

The most exciting thing about WandaVision is that we get to see just how powerful Wanda is. Her powers were given to her by Hydra in an experiment using an Infinity Stone. The stones are one of the most powerful things in the Marvel Cinematic Universe so it makes sense that she is so strong.

After the black and white era the show moves on to a 1970’s style sitcom and I have to admit that it was really entertaining. It follows the trend of something’s just not right.

The makers of the show said that it will eventually progress to a “The Office” style which I’m really looking forward to.

Last night I watched episode five and everything jumps to a 1980’s-1990’s style. They did such a good job and I got “Full House” vibes from the episode. Wanda (Elizabeth Olsen) is related to the Olsen twins who played in “Full House”. She looks really similar to her sisters so I got chills.

I think that’s all I’m willing to talk about right now. I think I might start reviewing some of the episodes with a ton of spoilers.

If you’re interested in the show make sure to grab a Disney+ subscription while they are still cheap. (Heard they are going to up the price soon.)

Hope you have a wonderful Saturday!
Katherine

21, 21, 21

Hello out there,

I keep seeing people talk about today being the 21st day in 2021, during the twenty-first century. It’s a pretty fun coincidence I have to admit.

Does it mean anything though? Truthfully, I’m not really a person who believes in luck or superstitions.

It’s just another day. Right?

Today’s a pretty special day actually. It’s the day after the new president was sworn into office.

I’m not one to talk about politics all that often. Some people might not like the new president and I understand your plight. I’m not particularly fond of him either but compared to the alternative… I think we came out on top in this instance.

Mr. Trump was not a good president. There’s a huge list of the atrocities he has committed but the LGBTQ+ community has suffered more under Trumps presidency than any other group.

When the sun came up this morning I’m sure that a large portion of the US population collectively sighed in relief. I’ve talked about my role in the LGBT+ group and I don’t want to delve into that again. However, I did want to mention that when my eyes opened as the sun rose I felt lighter somehow.

Today is the beginning of a needed healing The US really needs to step up. Biden promised to remove the restrictions that the trump administration weaseled in.

I’ve been so scared the last four years of my life. Scared that someone who had been encouraged by Trump would do me harm. I feel lucky that I had a family that helped me through it.

The problem is that when you enact laws against a certain group that group is then under a magnifying glass. When the laws went up hate crimes against LGBTQ+ people went up. So you can probably see why I was horrified.

The waiting game has started and I’m ready for the healing take its course.

This is mostly me venting but thank you for reading along. Have a wonderful evening!
Katherine

Life Updates

Hello out there,

I’m so happy that 2020 is finally over with. Here’s to hoping that 2021 will be a better year.

I’ve been working on a new story lately. It’s been really easy for me to write where as the story “Rairy Contrary” has been pretty tough to work on.

There’s a reason for this. Rairy is more about a character who’s had a hard time in life. The main character is struggling with corrupt politicians. It requires a lot more brainpower since I have to do more research.

This new story “Walker’s Path” is about a kid and his struggle with being male or female. He’s Intersex and his body is going female while his identity is more centered toward being male. It’s more about internal struggles which is something I’m more familiar with.

For a while I wanted Rairy’s story to be the serial that I continued doing for free. However, since I’m having a hard time writing it I am thinking of using Walker’s story as a serial instead. (To be honest, I’m still going to write more for each of them.)

As for my real life, I’m getting a biopsy done today. It’s on a lump that I found a couple of years ago. Back then the biopsy was benign.

I’m of course hoping for the same result. The end game is to get the thing removed. The, “is it or isn’t it cancer, yet” every two years is something I really don’t want to keep going through. Two times is enough for me.

Other than that I’ve been evicted from my room because a rat decided to climb into the walls near my room and die. I wanted to use a live trap and relocate the thing but Terminix decided that poison was the way to go.

I’ve relocated to a downstairs bedroom where I don’t have a computer so I’m spending a lot less time gaming with friends. I miss them a lot though.

Thanks so much for dropping by! Now that you’re updated I’m hoping to get a few more blogs out about gaming or writing. We’ll see.

Have a happy New Year!
Katherine

Stress Levels Normalizing.

Hello out there,

I hope everyone who reads this has been safe this year.

Over the last couple months my stress levels have been much higher than normal. I haven’t been able to write or edit. If you didn’t know, the president, for the last four years has been pretty bad for the LGBTQ+ community. So the election brought my stress levels up so high that it practically paralyzed me.

It seems the anxiety that I was feeling is mostly gone for now and I’ve been back to writing and editing my book.

Adrian is coming along well and I have a pretty small update to do to it but the update branches throughout the whole story so I need to change a lot.

I’ll update you on the changes I’m doing to Adrian pretty soon.

I know this is short but it’s better than nothing! Expect more!

Have a wonderful day,
Katherine

Through the Drinking Glass

Hello out there,

A small update on my well being and then we’ll jump right into this short story I wrote.

I’m almost done line editing my book. I plan to do a quick edit after I finish the line edit. I’m going to clean all of the little things that probably shouldn’t be there up. After that I’m going to get in contact with my editors and see about getting another copy edit done.

I’ve been going through a lot of pain lately. One of my wisdom teeth has a hole in it and the pain has been giving me major headaches and dizziness. Concentrating on anything other than the pain has been tough. I have a dentist appointment in a few weeks but I hope to be finished with my editing by then and writing again.

Now you’re up to date! I hope you enjoy this short story!

After I finish a drink I would often pick up my glass and look through it. The view would be warped and limited to a circle. The circular boundary along the edges comforted me. Those blurred walls are like a second home.

Sometimes, like today, a little liquid was left and it spilled onto my face. The strong smell of alcohol drifted into my nose. Pure Comfort.

“Thaanks, Jimmy,” I slurred.

I used the glass as if it were a spyglass and Jimmy was nowhere to be seen. He would be back, eventually, if he wanted to get paid.

Slowly my attention drifted back to the glass against my head. It seemed an amazing feat for someone to create a glass like this. It was so smooth along my fingertips. Nearly flawless. The person or machine who made it must have been proud that day. If machines could think that is.

I kept staring into my glass and along one of its edges something seemed to move.

——

Slowly a car drove into view like it was in slow motion. Its glossy red paint reflected in the sunlight. Chrome ran along the fender. I could almost see myself in it.

My hands suddenly gripped my steering wheel as I slammed on the brakes. The screech of ti—

——

“Jimmy!” I screamed.

“Calm ‘ur tits,” Jimmy said.

I turned and through the glass, a warped Jimmy came around the corner.

“I need morrre, Jimmy.”

“Put ‘ur glass down. ‘Ur not a child,” he said, “‘asides, If it’s up on ‘ur face, how ’em I supposed to fill it up ‘gain?”

Without a pause, I set the glass back on the bar. The room looked normal again. Too normal.

Jimmy spun around, grabbed a plate and set it in front of me. Crispy tater tots and a small bowl of melted cheese graced the plate. I had ordered these I remembered.

I looked up at Jimmy, lifted my glass slightly and then let it back down. It made a solid thump on the wooden bar.

Jimmy pried the glass from my clenched hand. He’d done this before. I watched as he cleaned the glass and put something that wasn’t alcohol into it.

“Jimmy,” I said while watching him.

“I ‘az gonna put rum in it too. Calm ‘ur—”

“Tits,” I finished with a grin.

A single tater tot sat on my plate. There was no more cheese left and I didn’t like eating tots without cheese. I pushed the plate away, grabbed my drink and finished it off. I set the glass down and stood up. I had to urgently use the bathroom. As I was getting off my chair I overspun and my hand hit the glass. It fell straight down and crashed into the grou—

——

The screeching was deafening as my car slammed into the other one. My wife’s body lurched forward and hit the windshield and then I was blinded by something white that appeared in my vision.

——

Pieces of glass flew all over the place and the circular bottom of the glass rolled over to my foot and bumped into it. I instinctively picked it up. Surprisingly it was intact. I brought it up to my eye looking through it. The world returned to its warped self.

I slid to the ground next to my chair. When I put my hand down on the floor to steady myself my hand stung. I quickly pulled it up and a shard of glass had worked its way into it. A small dribble of blood slowly crept its way down my palm until it got to my wrist.

I heard footsteps quickly approaching. Jimmy circled around the bar and walked up to me. I raised my hand to show him the blood.

“‘Ur never gonna learn ar’ ya,” he said and grabbed my arm pulling me to my feet.

I slipped the round glass bottom into my right pant’s pocket as he led me into the bathroom.

I used the paper towels to wipe the water from my hands and then from my eyes. I didn’t dare look at myself in the mirror. I tossed the towels into the trash and walked back into the bar.

The floor was clean, on my spot at the bar was a bandaid and another drink.

“Las’ call,” Jimmy said while looking at me.

I put my head on the bar. Done with drinking for now.

***

Jimmy released me and I flopped down onto the cot. I could barely recognize the bars’ back room through my drunken haze.

“‘Ur gonna hav’ ta stay here tonight,” he told me.

It was fine by me and I waved my hand at him, letting him know I understood. I rolled to  my side and let sleep take me.

——

I punched the white thing in front of me and it deflated. A small breeze gently brushed against my hair. I looked to my right and no one was there. Someone was supposed to be there.

I put my hand to my forehead and took a deep breath. Then I remembered.

“Heather!” I yelled.

I opened the car door and stumbled out. My legs felt like jello. I examined the area and saw an overturned car a few yards away. My truck had a huge dent in the front. I grabbed my head when a bout of tinnitus overcame my hearing. I had to lean against the truck to keep myself steady. Eventually, the ringing stopped and I began the hunt for my wife.

She wasn’t by the overturned car. There was a man yelling at me but I ignored him.

I expanded my search a few yards out when I spotted blood.

And then all of my nightmares came true.

This one was a bit dark. I wrote it around the same time I wrote “That of a Child” so that’s where my frame of mind was at the time.

I can’t wait to get back in to writing and talking with you all again.

I hope you all have a wonderful morning!
Katherine

More of My Story

Hello out there,

I have some more about myself that I’d like to share with you all today. I talked about most of this in a recent interview I had with Nour Negm but decided I might as well write it all down too.

I live in southern California with 10 others, all family. Most of who live here, are my brother’s kids or his girlfriend’s kids. They have 6.

I have to admit, living with all these people has been pretty hectic. The house is seldomly quiet, but luckily, I have my trusty headphones to block out the noise.

When writing, there’s usually a pivotal moment in a character’s life. I had mine in 2003.

2003 was such a life-changing year. There was both good and bad that happened. I got in a 70 mph car accident where someone hit me, and the hood popped up, so I couldn’t see. The car was totaled and my back has never been the same since. I’m not disabled, but I do get back spasms every once in a while though.

Later in the year, my best friend got married. I was a part of the wedding. It was a bittersweet occasion because my best friend’s fiance had cancer. The wedding went well and they seemed so very happy. After everyone went home a week later, his wife died.

My friend was heartbroken. As his mental stability wavered into the dangerously unhealthy I dropped everything and moved in with him.

He lives in northern California but used to live down in southern California. He, my brother, and I grew up and did everything together. When he needed someone it wasn’t even a thought, just an action. I needed to be there to help my friend.

We spent the better part of a month together. We talked a lot about his kid. I tried to drive home the point that he still had so much to live for and it worked.

I admit that while I was being selfless there was another part of me that was horrified. The car accident from earlier that year scared the heck out of me. Then my friend’s wife dying sort of cemented the idea that I am very much mortal.

I used these fears as a sort of propellant. You see, I was born male. I’d spent years ignoring a part of myself that I couldn’t face. With all that had happened, I finally decided to face it.

While living with my friend, I took to google. I learned as much about myself and my condition as I could. When I finally felt my best friend was stable, I let go and went back to southern California.

I immediately made a ton of life changes.

But then 2003 struck again. Two people invaded our home and shot my brother with three of his friends. Luckily, everyone lived. That horrific night further propelled me forward with my transition. On a side, positive note, my best friend (the one in northern California) came to live with us for a while.

A year later I started working at Wendy’s. Then I met someone. She and I dated for three years. I told her about my condition and she seemed okay with it. We moved out and were stable for about two years.

The pills I was taking started to change me. My girlfriend then decided to cheat on me. I found out because she forgot her phone in the bathroom and I looked in it. I found she was sending pictures to someone else. (Naked ones.) I went into the bedroom and wrote her a note. I gave her the note and the phone and walked out of the house. I then got in my car and drove away.

She somehow convinced me to come back. There was too much damage, though, because a year later we broke up. As a vicious parting gift she outed me to my parents, telling them I held a secret.

To say that I was a little messed up is an extreme understatement. I still haven’t fully recovered from the ordeal and it’s been over 10 years.

I transitioned with the help of my parents. They are my lifeline. I’ve had severe problems with leaving the house due to anxiety and depression.

Then as I was beginning to emerge from my shell, 2016 happened. Suddenly people like me were in the spotlight. I wanted nothing to do with any of it.

I hid for another two years. Then in late 2018, I found a lump on my right breast. It took three months to get an appointment to get tests done. During that time I fell into a deep depression. I didn’t tell my family about it. I internalized it all. As I was reading my favorite online story, I realized that I should start writing my own story.

I had the biopsy and began writing in January of last year. It took three more months of waiting to get the results from the biopsy. A week or two before I got the results, I told my mom about what I’d found. She was concerned and I asked her to tell everyone else because I couldn’t. Everyone ended up supporting me. It was wonderful to have such support. The tests came back benign.

Everyone was happy except for me. I felt guilty. Why was I spared when someone so much more kind and deserving like my best friend’s wife had to die? It didn’t make sense.

Time doesn’t wait for anyone, though, and I still had a story to get out. Three months after that, I finished the first draft of my book.

I went another direction, choosing to change the main character to a 13-year-old child, living in LA. My brother’s kids were around that age at the time, so I got a lot of input from them about the current trends, etc.

I also started making short films with a group I found online. It was tough on me to step out of my comfort zone, but my therapist helped me through it.

My feet then started acting up in a big way. If I walk for more than 20 minutes outside, the outside of them become inflamed and I have trouble walking for several days until I correct it. I have to basically hold my toes up until whatever is causing the pain starts to loosen up.

I’m seeing a foot doctor for this and hopefully, they will figure out what’s wrong.

Anyway, I’ve taken up way too much of everyone’s time. Thank you for listening to me.

Katherine

Editing Adrian two

Hello out there,

Got my manuscript back again and I realized I made a huge mistake. I was supposed to do a line edit before sending it off to my editor. I forgot to do that so I’m going to have to pay for another copy edit. Mistakes happen and I’m learning to roll with those.

As for how my book is doing. The line edit I started is going well. I’ve been reading it out loud on twitch.tv. It’s been a really great way for me to find those lines that don’t sound right and fix them.

My editor decided to help me out and converted my prologue to 3rd person on a separate document.

I got a lot of feedback about the confusion people were having while reading Adrian. They were having a problem figuring out if the main character was the same character from the prologue. Now that the Prologue is in 3rd person it helps separate the main character from the other character. It just makes more sense to do it that way.

I took my editors suggestions and implemented them. Then I went through and removed/added stuff that I liked/didn’t like.

Last night I finished doing the same thing to the Epilogue.

I was honestly afraid to change them that much because I’m not really comfortable with writing in 3rd person. I’m happy that I stepped up and did it though.

Other than that I’ve been working on Adrianne the second book. Its going slower than I wanted it to go but I am mainly focusing on my first book and getting it ready to share with the world.

It doesn’t help that I have been having some tooth pain and a ton of Dr’s appointments. Those are all going to be done soon enough so I’ll be looking forward to that.

Thank you all for putting up with the prolonged Blog absence. I’m going to finish up the line edit soon and then do a lighter edit. After those I’ll move my focus back to this blog and maybe I’ll toss another excerpt in between.

I hope your day is going wonderfully!
Katherine